Lingua Latīna

In Latin America, Latin is not spoken, 

Which makes it clear: our naming system is broken. 

Latin does retain a national home, 

A tiny city-state surrounded by Rome, 

A place it's difficult to be democratic in - 

Since there's just one ruler at the Vatican.

Yule

They say the source of “Yule” is Norse.

The Vikings overran England, of course.

These rugged ransackers, scrappy and scary,

Invaded our vocabulary.

Loophole

If Trump were to pardon Pence
And then resign,
Could Pence then pardon Trump?
I've boggled my mind.

Dehydrated

I bought a dehydrated water packet. 

It looked kind of empty - was this just a racket? 

But I emptied the empty packet into a glass, 

Mixed in some water - and Lo! What came to pass! 

I sure enough had a nice glass full of water, 

Just like the instructions said I oughter.

Free Advice

Excuse me if I seem a bit aloof, 

But In the drama, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, 

I twice have played the doc - and it went to my head. 

So please, just take two aspirin and go to bed!

Context

 Being on the bench:

In sports it suggests you’re not a star,

But at a piano concert 

It means you are.

Digital

 It’s a question so dumb

But somehow it lingers:

How can your thumb

Be one of your fingers?

Pink Hat

Some context makes excuses. 

Other context offers damnation. 

Personally I prefer

The kind that yields explanation. 

 My life advice here is to not get photographed wearing a swastika or the hammer and sickle. And everyone has a camera with them nowadays, so just do not wear a swastika or the hammer and sickle. Because you will have explaining to do, and it's unlikely your explanation will satisfy everybody, unless maybe you're acting in a movie.

Salem

The plot line of Miller’s The Crucible:

When basic protections are losable,

Everyone ends up accusable.

Derminology

There was an ad on TV where the actress 

Said something about "my derm", 

Meaning her dermatologist. 

This usage made me squirm. 

Is that for for real, is "derm" the slang 

For this medical specialty? 

I need to get up to date on this stuff. 

I only know: "O B G"!

Positive Attitude

You can lower the positivity rate
By only testing those who feel great.
My plan will work - I know it will:
Just stop testing folks when they're ill!

Reflecting

Unless you’re a lip reader
Looking in a mirror
You cannot “watch what you say” -
The facts couldn’t be any clearer.

My Mother Tongue

The plural of knife is knives,
So I figured the plural of fife would be fives!
It turns out that fives IS a word,
But not the plural of fife - quite absurd!
I’m glad that I learned English first,
Since learning it later would just be the worst!

Safety

If everyone were locked in a cell, 

For a year of isolation hell, 

Would that be enough 

To kill off this stuff? 

Or would virus particles remain here and there 

To infect us again when we stepped out for air? 

Will this ever come to an end? 

Asking for a friend.

American Theatre in the Twenty-First Century

 

Two of my short plays will be in this book, due out soon.
Needless to say, I'm over the moon.

You can preorder here.

Strong Conjugation by Back Formation

Heard someone say froke
As the past tense of freak.
Sometimes I'm amused
By the way people speak.

This was while watching Made In Heaven, a sort of soap-opera-ish streaming show on Amazon, about high-end wedding planners, which is set in India, and which you have to watch with subtitles because the language is a mix of English and Indian language or languages.

But this use of "froke" is apparently not strictly an odd Indian thing. When I looked it up, there is American usage too.

There's also a completely different usage where it's a noun meaning a "frozen Coke".

Pun-ish-ment

Use fascinate in a sentence? Of course!
I'd love to, in fact, I can hardly wait:
I have nine buttons on my coat
But I can only fascinate.

Forecast

Weather’s much too nice. 

Where’s the snow and ice? 

What? It’s on its way? 

Stay, fair weather, stay!

Kennedy-Nixon

During the Kennedy-Nixon election of 1960, Illinois was a closely contested swing state. I was 8, and I was in favor of Kennedy, as my parents were. 

Kennedy's electoral college victory was narrow, and dependent upon Illinois. There was some question, at the time, about the honesty of the elections in Illinois. My father suggested to me that the Democrats stole votes in Chicago, and that the Republicans stole votes Downstate, and that it roughly balanced out. I suspect this is correct. 

Normally, you can only steal so many votes, because there are a lot of safeguards in place. The relatively small volume of stolen votes only makes a difference when the election is close. 

Nixon conceded. There were people who thought that was a mistake. I don't know. 

What I remember puzzling me at the time, is that the Chicago Republican newspapers, the Tribune and the American, kept running headlines, maybe for a week, about various ballot audits finding additional votes for Nixon in the aftermath. 

So, even though Nixon conceded, audits went on. But the audits never added up to enough to get Nixon declared the winner of Illinois. 

I imagine that's what's going to happen with Trump in Pennsylvania. But, hey, run the audit, do the investigations. We have laws in place for all this. It was an unusual election, particularly with the heavier-than-usual mail-in voting. 

So, let the president sue. 

Let the courts do what they do. 

Let plenty of light be shined 

And we'll find what we can find.

Oops

Pollsters swear on the bible 

That their numbers are reliable, 

But on election day 

You often hear them say: 

Opinion shifted in the final week, 

We’ll get it right next time - with just one tweak!

Lost and Found

When UPS loses a package of mine 

I never suspect an evil design, 

I simply assume that the darn thing got stuck 

In a crack in the back of that big old brown truck.

Emergent Properties

I ask myself, do I like pancakes, 

Or maple syrup and butter? 

Or is it the combination 

That’s simply utterly utter?

Piece of Silver

I’ve retrieved a bit of silver 

From a failing filling; 

It’s really just a sliver, 

Do you think it’s worth a shilling? 

I don’t know what that is, 

Except it’s British money, 

And somehow or other the sound of it 

Always struck me as funny.

Bayesians

Bayesians like to change their beliefs. 

It’s one of their fondest desires. 

New facts make them itch, and the only relief 

Is reexamining priors.

Contrast

You cannot see the Milky Way 

During the day. 

Darkness allows light that is faint 

To paint the sky.

Unbelievable

If your hard drive has stuff 

That would make heads pop, 

Don't abandon the thing 

At some random shop.

Hadron Collider Contacts Parallel Universe

The headline is too clickbaity to click, but I love it: 

Researchers At Large Hadron Collider Are Confident To Make Contact With Parallel Universe In Days

The people from the parallel 

May perhaps be able to tell 

How poor Columbus ran aground 

Which meant the new world never got found. 

 And don't tell me that the new world would have been found by someone else. Nope. It turns out that Western Civilization collapsed again in about 1530, all because they failed to get to America.

Nominate Me

It may be true I didn’t go to law school, 

Or “pass the bar”, whatever that may mean, 

But I have spent some time upon a barstool, 

And studied Law & Order on the screen, 

And I believe I’d like to be a justice - 

I’ll just face down those senators’ long faces, 

And say: “Why do you find it hard to trust us? 

I’ll know the answers when I've heard the cases!”

Mildly Disappointed

I'd like to be told that I already had
This thing that is spreading, this bug that is bad.
I'd like to believe that it did once infect me,
And somehow or other did not much affect me.
But do I have antibodies to show?
You've already guessed it - my tests all say NO!

Round

They say at King Arthur's Table,
The roundest of the round,
Was a certain Knight who was able
To really pack on the pounds.
I mean the great Sir Cumference,
Who loved to gobble Pi.
His belt more than tripled his radius,
And Pi was the reason why.

Experimental

Can someone on the internet send
A sample of the Chinese vaccine?
I’m just asking for a friend,
If you know what I mean.

Dominance

 I say that I’m right handed

But if we’re being candid 

I’m told that it’s the brain

That’s driving the hand-preference train. 

Donation

Gave blood. 

Did not fall with a thud. 

I hope that someone else gains 

From this stuff that ran through my veins.

Plagiarism!

I wrote a little play involving Iago and Othello in the afterlife. At the gates of hell, actually. And I wrote it in verse. So someone asked me if I had worked in any lines by Shakespeare. I didn't think I had, but I had written it a while ago, in a hurry. So I thought I would feed the play through some online plagiarism-detection software. And it found something. But not from Shakespeare. It found this:

"It’s a lesson that I learned the hard way."

I thought to myself, that's practically a cliche, anyway. How can that be plagiarized? But it turned out they only had an 80% match. They had:

"Lessons I learned the hard way readings: Some modest advice for graduate students"

This plagiarism detective
Seems to be defective. 

In a Hole

When you’ve dug yourself in a hole, 

Consider halting the dig. 

Unless you are a mole, 

In which case, it’s your whole gig!

Inadequate Surveillance

I'm registered to vote. 

I got my shot for the flu. 

But ads online keep telling me 

That these are things I should do. 

They need to do a better job 

Of keeping track of my actions. 

Pointless redundant reminders hurt 

Customer satisfaction.

Recovering

Post-race, my mitochondria 

Seem to feel apathetic. 

Might they have hypochondria? 

Beware of endeavors athletic!

Chemical Evidence of Life on Venus

The Russians sent probes a couple of times 

Which probably carried bacterial slimes.

Now they’ve gotten planet-sized 

And simply need to be sanitized!

Mother of Invention

When human language 

Was first invented, 

Did the inventor 

Feel contented? 

No - it made her 

Kind of blue: 

She had no one 

To speak it to! 

So she taught it 

To a friend 

And this continued 

Without end.

A Theory of Something

I'm told time crawls 

When reading Rawls. 

You find your alertness failing 

Into a sleepy veiling.

Thinking Ahead

I believe that the Covid vaccine 

Should have a marketing mascot. 

I propose that we name her Maxine, 

And give her a hat from Ascot.

Next Sunday in Holland, Michigan

To satisfy the Health Department powers, 

The marathon start is spread across three hours. 

The race director had to jump through hoops, 

Breaking the race into several separate groups. 

My hat is off to him. He got it done, 

And opened the way to 26 miles of... fun?

The Other LIst

There's an opposite to a bucket list. 

It's what you might call a ****-it list. 

Ponder it as extreme eschewing - 

Stuff you'd rather die than start doing.

Call Me Samson

A woman without a mask 

Lured me to cut my hair. 

In case you have to ask, 

She buzzed my noggin bare. 

Well yes it was my wife 

But still it was a set up! 

When will this Covid strife 

At last begin to let up?

Choke it Down

I guess those stickers you get for voting 

Are like a sugar coating

For a pill

That doesn’t thrill.

But Who's Counting?

Venus has none. 

Mars has two. 

Moons are fun, 

But what can you do? 

At least we have one.

Destination Dubious

I bicycled to Kenosha once 

From beautiful Highland Park. 

I wouldn’t mind doing that ride again, 

But I don’t want to stay after dark.

Indefinite

The English indefinite article lacks a plural. 

So while it’s proper to say, “Look - a squirrel!” 

If there are more, you have to switch to “some”: 

“Look - some squirrels!” Somehow this seems dumb. 

But, hey, it’s just the way our language evolved, 

And “some” is the workaround by which it’s solved.

Putin Has Met 3 Popes

One of these days, when I am pope 

And Putin asks for a meeting, 

I’ll just say nope, and quietly hope 

He leaves without a greeting.

Two Meanings

In math, the study of "calculus" 

Concerns continuous change. 

But over in Renal Medicine, 

It means kidney stones - how strange! 

They both derive from a Latin word 

Which means "little pebbles", you see - 

The kind that just might help you to count, 

But surely will hurt you to pee.

Due to Arrive Just Before Election Day

It's just a little asteroid, 

Mostly likely a near-miss fail, 

But just in case the earth is destroyed, 

I recommend voting by mail.

The

I'll go along - I'm not urging defiance. 

But when did "science" 

Turn into "the science"? 

We need a definitive article 

About this definite article!

At The Zoo

They say there's a baby boom at the average zoo 

During this time when the animal missing is you. 

Lots of us thought the critters didn't care 

About the visitors who point and stare 

But maybe they do.

Tonight

Saw three of Jupiter’s moons
Through my own telescope.
The truth, as they say, is out there.
Galileo was no dope.

Tonight

Saw three of Jupiter’s moons
Through my own telescope.
The truth, as they say, is out there.
Galileo was no dope.

Mid August

Late summer, and the sun is setting sooner, 

The grass is not so green as once it was, 

Children wonder whether school is scheduled, 

While mothers mutter that the world’s gone wack.

Old Glory

Lots of countries have stripes 

And plenty have stars 

But rarely so many 

Of either as ours. 

It’s a busy design, 

Way out of hand! 

I think it is time 

For us to rebrand: 

One red stripe, one white, 

One star on some blue! 

But whoops, Texas took that, 

So what can we do? 

I guess we are stuck 

With this flag from B. Ross, 

Bizarre in its way 

But too classic to toss!

Stronger Together

Here’s a secret. 

Please don’t blab. 

My running mate 

Will be a Lab.

Democritus Meets Bohr

Philosophers worked out the idea of the atom, 

A solid tiny object, quite un-splittable. 

But physicists proved if you throw the right stuff at ‘em, 

They burst apart. How very inhospitable!

Hard to Figure

If two plus two

Does not make four, 

Is it less 

Or is it more?

Thank You, Inventors

Sometimes I like to bike in the heat,
But when I am done, the a/c is sweet.
It always feels great to work up a sweat,
But then cooling off - seems better yet.

40th Anniversary of Caddyshack

It takes a real work horse,
Not a mere loafer,
To blow up a golf course
Hunting a gopher.

Cycling

What is it like
To ride a fast bike?
On balance, it feels
As if you’d grown wheels.

Anecdata

I’m going into beta
With saying “anecdata”.
So - is it my invention?
Or did I just purloin it?
A neighbor I could mention,
Swears she heard me coin it,
And anecdatally,
That’s good enough for me!

Diet Paradox

If I take up intermittent fasting
On the theory I might take off weight,
Can I also do intermittent feasting?
Because that sounds first-rate!

Encrypted

Some believe your brain retains
Every password in your history.
But nonetheless your brain refrains
From telling you. It’s a mystery.

Thesaurus Rex

I was too lazy
To think of a synonym for stir-crazy,
But became an over-achiever,
When I remembered cabin-fever.

Challenging Times

It’s hard out there for porch pirates today!
Despite more deliveries than ever,
People at home bring stuff in right away,
Frustrating the pirates’ endeavor.

Three Incidents

An odd story in 3 incidents:

1) A foreign friend, who once had Amazon ship a package to my house, had their Amazon account hacked.

2) The other day, an Amazon package arrived at my house addressed to this friend. Because we were home, we brought it in immediately and puzzled over it. We didn’t know about incident 1.

3) Later that day a stranger came running up to our porch, and then left in a hurry, empty-handed. Our house is being painted and the painters puzzled over this. Our guess is that he was a porch pirate trying to get the package from incident 2.

So, this seems like a globe-spanning scam. I don’t really understand the logistics. But they were foiled this time.

The items in the package are not super valuable. Conceivably they are worth a couple of hundred dollars. It seems like a lot of trouble to try to obtain these things.

As you can see, I lack
Proper insight into this hack.
Also - does Amazon want these items back?

Boom

Fireworks in private hands
Hereabouts are mostly banned,
And this year, because of the virus,
There are few public displays to inspire us,
But somehow the neighborhood din
Is the loudest it’s ever been.

Blowback

The experts and politicians and press terrify people and tell them to stay indoors and not socialize. It disproportionately affects the young and the poor, partly because they don't have jobs they can work remotely, partly because they don't have a savings cushion, and partly because they are young people who, by nature, desperately want to socialize. They get worked up about a horrible incident which gets everyone's emotions amped up to 11, and they charge outside in massive, exultantly angry devil-may-care protests - with the blessings of the establishment who recognize an unstoppable force when they see it.

They sow the wind
But express surprise
When the whirlwind rises
Before their eyes.

Vocab Rehab

When I was young, it was not yet systemic
For everyday people to say pandemic.
Epidemic, back then, somehow sufficed
For worldwide plagues that did not play nice.

Need Ticket

I wish that Southwest ran a ferry
To places interplanetary.
I've got some credits I'd like to use
For a jolly Jovian cruise.

Work at Home

Observation: I've taken to shaving at random times.
Rumination: (Now I must think of something that rhymes.)

Flutterby

White butterfly, you with the flappy wings,
Flitting around the flowers in the sun,
Going about your business in a way
That calms my agitation, tell me now,
What’s up in your world? Recent caterpillar,
Reborn after a snooze in your cocoon,
Now whizzing in a hurry to get done
Whatever urgencies consume your brain.
I suppose it’s mostly eating and mating.
The world of insect life goes on and on!
As does the human one, but you have brought
Without intending it, these happy thoughts.

In the Plaza

Statue of giant red alien lobster
Marked safe, so far, from toppling mobsters.

Legacy

The famous academic was so precise,
He thought footnotes on his headstone would be nice.

Whihala Beach

Beloved behemoth lake, tranquil today
Along the coast of Whiting, Indiana,
Between the refinery and the big casino,
Working class beach that takes me back to childhood.

Towers of steel loom distant, obscured by smog.
Muscular city, engine of employment.
Nobody moves to Chicago for the climate.
But when a gorgeous day arrives in town
We drink it down, devouring all its goodness.

My wife is in the water, like a porpoise
Gliding and diving in her element,
Retrieving a football that some boys had thrown
Beyond their own ability to swim.

And I stand watching, stringing out these words
Attempting to record in one brief sketch
This ordinary love of life on earth.

Memories

Way back in March, the original goal
Was just to flatten the climb.
The caseload would stay the same, we were told,
We'd just spread it out over time.

Jazzing It Up

I'm forming the John Autonomous Zone,
A region I can call my own.
Its acronym is really snazzy.
You might even say it's JAZzy.
I set the rules behind my wall,
Where I can do anything at all!
I am the master of my life!
Except - when given advice by my wife,
I have been known to modify
The laws I issue from on high.

White Winged

Flocks of gulls with greedy gullets
Swallow cicadas with glee.
Nature in action - again I mull its
Beauty and cruelty.

Bugged

If you are a cicada,
I’d rather see you later.
But there’s so many now,
I’ll just endure somehow.

If Only

If I could just go back to last November,
I’d tell the Chinese not to hide the bug,
And then I’d tell a certain police officer,
Don’t kneel on necks, you overconfident thug.

Lacking in Both, Personally

Ringing in your ears is bad,
But earrings in your ears is rad.

Close to Home

I got a text that my pharmacy
Is temporarily closed.
It causes little harm to me -
I can drive to one less exposed.
But others, I’m sure, will suffer more.
It’s a cruel thing, to loot a store.

Also True for Dinner Too

Whenever I delay my lunch,
Instead of eating hastier,
My mouth reports, amid the munch,
That everything seems tastier.

Verbal Beautification

Looting is an ugly word
That I believe should not be heard.
Here instead is my solution:
“Freelance merchandise distribution.”

Upload

If we had really good VR,
All could live in total isolation,
While feeling that we’re roaming near and far,
Awash in a world of simulated sensation.
Computer viruses would be the only kind
Left behind to trouble one’s mind.

Eavesdropping

Some call it mental chatter.
I say it’s the pitter-patter
Of new ideas with little feet
Jostling around till they feel complete.

Crashing my Karma

I find reincarnation
Impossible to conceive.
But in a former life
I was Hindu, and did believe!

Monologue: Hack Attack

Hacker illustrates social engineering.
Give him a hearing!

No Standing

In video meetings there’s always a chance
Your coworkers are not wearing pants.

Riddle

Black and white of pelt,
He makes his presence smelt.
And here’s another clue,
He rhymes with what he’s known to do.

Observed in the Wild

A six-year-old, on an empty tennis court,
Finds running around the net is excellent sport.

Second Sunday

In this Mother's Day monologue, a prez call his mother to stay in touch,
And asks her not to talk so much!

My People

Irish goodbye: just slipping out the door.
You blink and you don’t see them any more.
Irish mouthwash: whiskey down the hatch.
Works to warm up any cold you catch.
Irish pajamas: sleeping in your clothes.
What’s the point of changing out of those?
Irish democracy: unpopular laws subverted,
Or possibly ignored or otherwise skirted.

Bliss

Newborns, unaware
Of various viral harms
That spiral through the air,
Still find comfort in their mothers' arms.

Mysteries

I've been trying to figure out how to tell the difference
Between social and antisocial distance.
Are people smiling behind their masks?
I can't tell. I may have to ask.

Product Recommendation

I going to begin hoarding
Raid Wasp & Hornet Killer - without delay.
When the hordes of hornets arrive,
I'll be ready for the fray!

Staying Out of It

I put the murder hornet
In a room with a killer bee
And let them fight each other
Instead of coming for me!

Sightings

I've seen a number of serious presidential candidates in person. Hubert Humphrey. Al Gore. John Anderson. And I've seen some presidential motorcades go by - Obama's and I think Reagan's - where I figured the president was in one of those black cars.

But the only time I've actually seen an American president in the flesh was when Donald Trump was in Chicago, for a ground-breaking ceremony for his local Trump skyscraper hotel, years ago. I just happened to be walking by. There he was, talking to a bunch of reporters, standing tall, commanding attention, the way he does. He has stage presence.

I don't know how I never saw Obama in person. Well, I might have, before he had achieved prominence. He went to church about a mile from my house. But I was never aware of seeing him.

Despite being a lifelong USA resident,
I've only seen one president
In person, so far.
I'm not counting the ones who drove by in a car,
Whizzing past fast
Behind darkened glass.

Ker-Splash

A scientific model
Can be a belly-flopper,
Living up to the theory
Of Karl Popper.

Trial

There's this "streaming service" call CBS All Access, and they have 2 different Star Trek series - one called Picard and one called Discovery. I had heard kind of discouraging things about both shows. So I hadn't rushed out to subscribe to the streaming service.

But then I read that they had a one-month free trial for April, and seeing as how our evenings were freer than usual, we decided to give it a shot. Turns out we like both shows. But it was a lot of shows to watch. And... April is coming to an end!

The free trial schedule has now gotten tight.
We have to watch 3 episodes tonight.

In The Moment

I saw a headline for an old humorous fake news item:

Woman ‘living in moment’ finds that unfortunately it is connected to other moments

It made me think a bit, because I feel the tension around this. There is a lot to be said for savoring the moment. But there's a lot to be said for looking ahead, as well.

The way of causality
Runs without end.
Embrace this reality,
Make it your friend.
We live in the now
But it changes so fast,
And grasping the how
Means you look at the past
And what's coming next.
To avoid being vexed,

Tips

You want reopening tips?
Thank you for asking.
TP can also be used
For facial masking!

And if you go out like this,
They’ll keep their distance,
With or without your governor’s
Legal insistence.

Scanning

I’m told that at midnight tonight
A medical satellite
Will scan the US for fever.
Stand naked outside in your yard,
While waving an ID card.
You’re doubtful? Well, I’m a believer!

Keep Your Head

Lead me not into fear.
Let my mind stay clear.
I find a state of terror
Generates error.

Live Long and Prosper

My wife was recommending the Vulcan salute to me, as a substitute for shaking hands.

It's not easy.

I can do this thing. Yes, it is true.
But some Vulcan purists may jeer,
Since I have to use Krazy-Glue
To make my pinkie adhere!

Big State Blues

Ithaca is not Manhattan.
Cooperstown is far from Queens.
They have different curves to flatten,
Different needs for quarantines.

Need to Buy a New One

The scales in my house need some maintenance tweaks.
They haven’t been right for a couple of weeks.
It’s very peculiar - with no sign of ceasing -
They all indicate that my weight is increasing!

Rapid Deployment Process

Charmin the Musical...
I know it sounds absurd,
But now the show has tunes
To go with its words -
Would you like to hear a tune?
That may be forthcoming soon!

Ugh

"A delay by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in quickly making coronavirus test kits available was the result of “a glaring scientific breakdown” at the CDA central lab, The Washington Post reported."

Expertise
At CDC
Somehow wasn’t a guarantee.

Strange Radiance In The Sky

Sitting in the sun
Just to see
What is going on
Around me,
And hopefully charging up
My vitamin D.

Exigent

Lots of red tape
Is getting the slice.
Leaving it that way
Might be nice.

Wafting

The air smells sweet
But does it carry germs?
That’s the sort of thought
That gives me squirms.

Expedite!

I’m tired of keeping my hands super clean!
Come on virologists, where’s the vaccine?

Inflexibility

A horseman of the Apocalypse,
One of the dreaded four,
Rode up to the FDA
And knocked on the door.

They said "You are not welcome.
We have our rules."
He said, "I'm on my way,
Don't act like fools."

Amplifyig

People will work at ignoring
Someone who's horribly boring.
That's why such a person talks loud -
To capture the ears of the crowd.

Hunkering in the Bunker

When you warn people about a lock up
Of course they decide to stock up.
After all this frightening reportage,
I'm fully prepared for a Fritos shortage.

This Too Shall Pass

Car pool
Suddenly uncool.
Bus, train
Now insane.
Wearing a mask to the bank
No longer a prank.

Happy Monday

Days of the week - you know what I mean?
So 2019!

Undead Language

I heard wild news. The anchorman spoke
About something scary and so I awoke!
It seems that demand is starting to snowball
For people who still can comprehend Cobol.
I have to add, without any enjoyment
It has to do with Unemployment.
The state of New Jersey has an old system,
To handle the jobless, to track them and list them,
But with this damn virus the numbers exploded
And now that old system is just overloaded.
So if you know all about MOVE and COMPUTE,
And maybe a bit about VSAM to boot,
The governor hopes for your help - to be clear,
He seemed to be asking that we'd "volunteer"
By which I fear greatly he'd rather not pay!
I guess that Chicago is where I will stay.

Prove Me Wrong

Ad Hominem is the best argument.
Yes, that’s what I said.
And if you dare to disagree,
You are a poopy head.

Corvids

I'm reliably told that ravens and crows
Want to make sure that everyone knows
They have nothing to do
With this "it's not a flu".
It's a similar name,
BUT IT ISN'T THE SAME!

Expansion Plans

I think it would be great
If Guam became a state.
We’d all be asking: where is it?
And then we’d go to visit.
Their tourist biz would boom,
Once we’re past this viral doom.

Who’s Sorry Now

When a post starts with “Sorry”
I always feel worry
The poster’s not sorry
But really more angry
And that makes me sorry -
I feel so misled.
This may make you worry
I’m wrong in the head
But that’s my real story
And really I’m sorry
If you feel upset
By this post that you’ve read.

Doors Closed

We have lots of theaters
Prevented from theating.
Their business model
Has taken a beating.

Breaking News

They told me that morning had broken,
Which put me in a panic.
We really need it working
So I called a celestial mechanic.

Archetypical

Even before the song was sung,
Freud’s rival was Forever Jung.

The Twenty Six

I was thinking of using homeschooling
To repeat first grade.
I liked it the first time - no fooling!
Maybe I should have stayed.
I managed to learn all the letters!
Really, what could be better?

Remote Office

Working from home for more than a week now. Today I broke down and bought an external monitor and wireless mouse/keyboard combo for my laptop. This made it a lot more comfortable to work.

I've got the external monitor set up as an extension, rather than a mirror, of my laptop. So I've got 2 screens, and I devote one, during the day, to my remote desktop.

Where did I get this equipment? Online? No, everybody is talking about delivery in a week. There's a shortage. The little computer store that's a block away? No. They are closed for the virus. The nearby OfficeMax store? No. They had no monitors for sale. The place that came through for me was WalMart. And the price was good.

I've seen this before, where WalMart comes through when specialty stores fail. I think it's their superior supply-chain.

If I must work from home,
I'd like it to be in a crystalline weatherproof dome,
But for now this room will do.
Compared to work it has a better view -
The windows at work are horribly unclear
Because they haven't been washed in more than a year.

Charmin The Musical, All 7 Songs

Probably my gears have slipped,
But here's all the words, so far, for the script.

Charmin Finale

Charmin the Musical, song 7, duet:

She: I'm sorry I sent you - that was outrageous.
And now that you’re back - are you maybe contagious?

He: I don’t think that I took chances much
But let me shower before we touch.

She: But what is that behind your back?

He: I have obtained the thing we lacked:
Twenty-four rolls tightly packed!

She: You did it. You did it. Why did I doubt you?
The truth is I never could live without you!

He: I did it. I did it. I feared that I couldn’t.
And if I didn't love you, I probably wouldn’t.

Both: Somehow love has the power to inspire us
To overcome anything, even this virus!

He: I must say you're looking unusually glamorous.

She: I must say I’m feeling exceptionally amorous.

Both: Perhaps we could somehow slip off to bed
In hazmat suits with hoods on our heads!

She: But before we start to get it on,
I’ve got to make a trip to the john.
So give me a roll of that Charmin I crave.

He: This may be the best gift that I ever gave!

She: Love invites fights

He: But is somehow disarmin’

She: I'll be your princess.

He: I'll be your Prince Charmin!

Both: And on that fair note, without further issue,
We wrap up our tale of extra soft tissue!

Argumentative

Never quarrel
With a squirrel.
It can swirl
Out of control.

All that chatter
Without matter
Begins to batter
And take its toll.

Don't Be AWOL at Roll Call!

Charmin the Musical, song 6, solo for husband:

He: I will go forth to face my fears
Some things are worth our pain and tears -
Including the right to wipe our rears.
I get in my car. I’m ready to roll.
I’ve swallowed my pride. I’ve prayed for my soul.
I’m going to Walmart, in search of my goal.
I’ve put on some gloves. I’m wearing a mask.
One roll of Charmin – that’s all I ask.
Why does this seem such a terrible task?
The aisles are empty – no paper goods.
Here is the shelf where the Charmin once stood.
I should have stocked up – way back when I could!
I guess I should leave – try the next store!
But what’s this I’m seeing at that distant door?
It looks like a stock clerk coming out on the floor.
Is this for real, or just a mirage?
He’s got enough Charmin to fill a garage.
Maybe even enough for Nikki Minaj!
I charge at full speed before others can score.
I take just take one package, but it’s twenty-four -
Twenty-four rolls! I am thrilled to my core!
Other shoppers are trying to tear it away,
So I weave and I dodge in a football ballet
Till I get to the check-out line, and I pay!

Prognostication

Future: hazy.
Present: stir crazy.

Somehow Not The Same

Have dating sites met their doom,
Or are people going out for drinks on Zoom?

The Musical Rolls On

Charmin the Musical, song 5.

Solo for her.

Oh my, what have I done?
I sent my husband off on a toilet paper run.
Why did I do this? Really, for what?
Bottom line: to wipe my butt.
Is that any way to treat my poor hubby?
Doesn’t it seem a little bit grubby?
If I tried... I could probably find
Something else... to wipe my behind.
Compared to Charmin, there's nothing as nice,
But I am prepared to sacrifice.
I love him more than life itself.
I’ll take whatever’s on the shelf.
And if in fact the shelf is bare
I’ll go without. It just seems fair.
I must go to him now, and make my confession
I squeezed him too hard with my Charmin obsession!

Charmin the Musical, Song 4

Duet:

He: My darling, my dear, I have things to confess.

She: My darling, your language is causing me stress.

He: Promise me, sweetie, that you won’t be mad.

She: You must tell me first what you did that was bad.

He: I told you a fib. Just a little white lie.

She: Was this about Charmin? I THINK YOU SHOULD DIE!

He: Calm down, please, calm down - that’s a little extreme.

She: Calm down? When you say that - I just want to scream!

He: I did not go shopping. My heart just turned chicken.

She: I stare at your face and I feel my heart sicken.

He: How can I ever win back your affection?

She: By showing true grit in this time of infection!

He: How can I show it? Is that even feasible?

She: Just bring me a roll of the stuff that is squeezable!

That’s all I can say, and I won’t say no more.

He: All right! I will do it! I’m off to the store!

She exits.

He: Oh no. I am doomed. I am chilled to my core.
But though I die trying, I’m off to the store!

Charmin, the musical, continued

Scene 2, from my new musical, solo for husband:

How can I ever explain to my wife
That toilet paper is not worth my life?
Shopping threatens my very existence.
Standing in line doesn’t leave any distance!
I’m afraid I don’t really want to be harmin’
My own future health by shopping for Charmin.
I told her I went to the store - went inside.
But let me confess to the truth here - I lied.
I love her so much, and would love to be true,
But cowardly fear in the face of this flu,
Has made me a liar. Now what do I do?

Scene 3, solo for wife:

I’m sorry to tell you, I’ve come to suspect
My husband is guilty of spousal neglect.
He promised to love me, to cherish, obey,
But I’m out of Charmin for nearly a day!
Did he go to the store, or is that just deceit?
He brought me no Charmin - not even one sheet!
I fear that our marriage will end in a split.
I really need something to wipe when I... sit
On the porcelain throne, but what can I do?
This holding-it-in has my face turning blue!

In Search

From my new musical:

She: I sent you out for just one thing,
The product I cannot live without,
The plushy roll that makes me sing -
Charmin is what I’m talkin about.

He: I’m sorry dear, I really tried,
I did my level best, I swear.
Store after store, I went inside
But squeezable Charmin was never there!

Slow

Regulations function
Like brakes,
And often resist removal.
When it’s time for quick action
You find that approval
Still takes as long as it takes.

Wuthering

Visit Wuthering Heights,
Where you can see the sights,
And sip a vicarious taste
Of willful lives laid waste
Until a new generation
Reaches a reparation.

Census

The census wanted to know my race.
As to the genetic trace
Of native peeps,
I let that sleep.
As to the breakdown of white ingredients,
I put “etc” by way of expedience.

Status

I'm shirking from home,
Browsing online,
Composing a poem,
And feeling quite fine.

Chirper's Return

Robin hopping around the yard,
I don't really know how hard
Your life may be, but welcome back!
Spring is here, and I've felt the lack
Of seeing you hunt the dirt for bugs
Like golden coins in silken rugs.

HSPD!

That’s my great grandfather from County Kerry,
Who lived through
The Spanish Flu
Which I think was lots more scary.

Instead of Kiss Me I’m Irish, today we say:
Wave to me from six feet away,
So we all may endure
To be sure, to be sure.

As If By Law

Although I don't know why,
It seems that when supply
Goes low, the price goes high.

Southward to Safety

Antarctica has zero cases,
So I'm heading to this safest of places,
Where I will
Just chill.

Eerie

Went for a 3 mile run.
No one on the streets.
No one there to greet.
When will this be done?

Tell Me Please

Is that sneeze
A bad disease,
Or is that sneeze
Just allergies?

Swags

A SWAG is a Scientific
Wild Assed Guess.
Hearing a lot of them lately?
I would say yes.

Timing

If you are the type who likes bucking the trend,
Try not to get sick at the top of the bell
When the hospitals just might be busy as hell.
If you must get sick, try the start or the end,
When the docs will have time to see that you mend.
Of course you could even... try to stay well.

Social Distancing

We’re closing everything, to keep alive
People who are over 65,
Of which I’m one, so thanks for all the trouble.
Now I guess I should hide out in a bubble!

Nothing to Fear

We have nothing to fear
But fear itself
And the lack of toilet paper
On the shelf.

Pan

The great god Pan stalks,
His footsteps unseen but heard,
Like the rustling of a bird.
Fear follows where he walks,
Shaking the hearers' hearts
With sudden fits and starts.

Advance Notice

What crisis comes next? Tell me please.
I need to develop some quick expertise.
All too often I find
My mind is one crisis behind.

Economics

With the price of oil down,
And the market looking dire,
I can afford to cruise the town,
As long as I don’t retire.

DST Returns

Falling back is easy.
But springing forward always makes me queasy.

I’d like to avoid this shock.
Let’s just lock the clock.

Belltower Sounds

I heard a clock strike twelve at night.
Supposed to be the hour of fright.
But, snuggled warmly in my bed,
I find it hard to summon dread.

Winter Must End

Fifty geese overhead at night,
A giant V formation,
Honking loudly in their flight -
North, their destination.

Bloomberg Super Bluesday

American Samoa.
It's where I plan to goa,
To see why they like
My bud, Mr. Mike!

Verses from a Trip to France

Standing on the street

Where the Amexit deal

Got signed in 1783. 

Feels a bit unreal.

Among medieval thinkers, Aquinas 

Was surely one of the finest. 

A post-dark-ages trailblazer,

His arguments rocked ‘em and socked ‘em. 

Later came William of Ockham,

Who left us his never-fail razor.

Lady sitting behind me

Coughing on the plane,

If that’s something contagious,

Kindly refrain. 

Always good to be home again

After a trip to points far-flung. 

Everything feels simpler when

You know the local tongue. 

City Names

Kansas City, Missouri,
Needs renaming in a hurry.
Michigan City, Indiana,
Also makes me worry.
And as for Champaign-Urbana,
Here in Illinois,
I’ve spent some time, and boy,
There isn’t much champagne.
They really need to explain.

Augury

I try to stick to a far-distant year
When making specific predictions,
So I can be sure that I won’t be here
When they’re revealed to be fictions!

Sticking His Neck Out

Here’s to the giraffe!
His looks may make you laugh,
But he gamely lifts his head
Up to heights that others dread.

Orthography Again

English spelling can be a mystery:
Not especially aesthetic,
And imperfectly phonetic,
But reflecting a fine sense of history.

Oddities of Orthography

The spellings of Right and Wrong
Seem a bit too long.
G, H, and W
Have very little to do.
But wouldn't it be a sight
If I spelled them Rong and Rit?

Prove You’re Not

The internet has many spots
Which show a bias when it comes to bots.

Disappointed

I was promised snow to shovel
Around my humble hovel,
But though it’s blowing and pelting,
Sadly it’s mostly melting!

Oracle vs. Google

I was reading that tech companies are lining up behind Google in the case that will soon be before the Supreme Court, which has to do with whether some APIs are copyrighted and therefore the property of Oracle.

API = application programming interface.

Anyway, if Oracle wins, I gather there's money in this game.

I want to copyright an API.
But first I have to write one, so...
I'll get right on that, by and by.

Jeans Lyrics

This was hard to find. I was remembering an old song, by a guy, in which his girlfriend is pregnant, and the reason he knows, is that her jeans are getting tight. I always thought that was a funny set up. I don't think I've heard the song in forever, but it turns out to be by Jackson Browne. It took all of my google-fu, because I didn't actually remember a specific phrase from the lyrics, but it turned up in a book about Jackson Brown that Google book search provided. The song is called Ready Or Not, which amused me, because I wrote a play with that title.

The song starts out:

Someone's gonna have to explain it to me
I'm not sure what it means
My baby's feelin' funny in the morning
She's having trouble getting into her jeans
Her waist-line seems to be expanding
Although she never feels like eating a thing
I guess we'll reach some understanding
When we see what the future will bring.

It ends like this:

She says she's ready for some meaning
After all of her running around
Bless my soul, she's got a rock and roll bandman
Thinking 'bout settling down.

And I will just leave these lyrics up as the rhyme for this post.

FAA Banning Emotional Support Animals?

But I need a seat
For my parakeet!
Without him I am incomplete.

Strict Rules

There’s a lot of local reportage
About a legal pot shortage.
But I suppose the illegal supply
Is high.

Cast a Cold Eye

These coats with the Arctic emblem on the sleeve...
Am I supposed to actually believe
They’re suitable for traipsing through the snow
On the North Pole when it’s thirty two below?

Every Winter

Every winter
I find I have placed
An extra inch
Around my waist.
Fat cells do well
As insulation,
And in the water
They aid flotation.
But when I step
Upon the scale,
The gain of five
Always feels like a fail!

Running Free

At one thirty in the morning
My dog once again barked a warning.
This time I was rewarded with a view of the fox
Running in the snow for a couple of blocks.
I thought it was a good time to slip back into bed,
But “yip yip yip” is what the fox said.

Not My Path

How odd to be raised as a royal,
Starting from when you're a tyke.
We are symbols, and you must be loyal!
I wonder what that must be like.

Coding

Is it true that all can code?
Excuse me for feeling doubt.
I've lived my life on that road,
But most people seem to bail out.

Shoot It

CHICAGO (CBS) — A 5-year-old boy was taken to the hospital Wednesday afternoon, after a coyote bit him several times outside a nature museum in Lincoln Park.

Coyotes run free.
They're a natural sight.
But they do worry me -
Because sometimes they bite.

Bzzzt

I wish I had a neighbor
With a functioning light saber.
I’d borrow it to trim my trees
And chase off raccoons with the greatest of ease.

Forecast

Will there be sufficient stuff
To rhyme about in 2020?
What if somehow there’s not enough?
I’m betting there will be plenty.

Multiples

In Ireland, there’s Dublin.
In Lybia, Tripoli.
But as for Quadrupalia...
Wherever can it be?

Deep Winter

January and February
Are the months that rhyme with scary.
The air is cold, the flowers wilted,
All because this planet’s tilted!