I Hope The Penalty Isn't Death

Mind your manners in Malaysia:

"British traveller Eleanor Hawkins appears in court for 'stripping naked and causing quake on Mount Kinabalu'"

It's the cause-and-effect that strikes me as defective.

Do you think that humans stripping
to their naked bods
can cause tectonic slipping?

I'd say it's against the odds.

Not Funny

Those who pontificate
often come to hate
the pointed tool
called ridicule.

Heading Home

We're driving in the dark in Illinois. 

To the left and right there's corn and soy. 

At least, so I assume. 

I can't tell in this gloom!

Kosha

Here's a Pueblo clown,
getting down.


It's at the Kansas City Art Institute, which has another pic, and a description, here.

Stopping for a Look

Kansas view, where the distance turns blue. 

Whitewashed

Man painting fence outside Mark Twain's boyhood home. Is it ironic or merely iconic? He's doing it for his employer, a museum about the author of Tom Sawyer.

A Sonnet

Some sonnets do not use the letter which
Begins the common list of English letters.
Such sonnets seem uncommon. Here's the hitch:
This letter's used so much! The old typesetters
Counted it third in frequency of use -
No big surprise, since - by itself - it forms
The commonest of words when on the loose.
You just might find the letter's sound's occurred,
Without its being there. It seems cliche,
But English spelling's nuts! Some well-formed word
Will often rudely, crudely disobey
The Rules of Phonics, to somehow convey
The sound we should expect to find with A.

Shrink Shrunk

Greg Pratt has the story in the Chicago Tribune:

"Psychotherapist has previous arrest for practicing without a license: police"

His previous trouble was in Florida. Now he's in trouble here.

Misrepresenting a credential,
can be awfully consequential.

Allegedly he represented himself as being a licensed psychologist, and as having diplomas in psychology. Apparently, neither is true.

In Illinois, you can perform the talking cure without a license, but you can't claim to have a license when you don't, and you can't call yourself a psychologist. I think you can call yourself a therapist, or a shaman, or a bishop, or a counselor.

Some of his clients are upset.

'Baran revealed "very personal 'things'" to Redman, believing him to be "a doctor of psychology," but became alarmed when a friend told her Redman is a "scam artist," police said.'

I fear this guy may be a serial scamster,
so I'm talking instead to a most helpful hamster,
who quietly listens to all of my goofiness,
and nods his approval with perfect aloofiness.

FedExed

In the northern suburbs:

He stole a FedEx truck
but soon ran out of luck.

"A man accused of stealing a FedEx truck in North Chicago last week and taking it on a joy ride through Lake Forest, Bannockburn and Highland Park was arrested without incident later the same day."

Those things are brightly colored.
Next time, steal something duller!

On Pause

My email server is bored.
Its metadata is being ignored.
Oh when will the Patriot Act be restored?

Break a Leg

Actors are known to tell each other "break a leg" before performances, as a paradoxical form of well-wishing. But out head diplomat has done it for real:

"U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry broke his leg in a bicycle crash Sunday, apparently after hitting a curb, and scrapped the rest of a four-nation trip that included an international conference on combating the Islamic State group."

They tell you that biking is something to do
That's physically healthy and good for you,
But if you crash at touring speed,
Don't be too shocked if you break or bleed.

Steve Jobs and Philosophy

Last night we went to hear Shawn Klein talk about a new book he edited, Steve Jobs and Philosophy.

'In Steve Jobs and Philosophy 16 philosophers examine the inspiring yet often baffling world of Steve Jobs. What can we learn about business ethics from his example? What are the major virtues of a creative innovator? How could Jobs defy conventional business practices? How did he combine values and attitudes previously believed to be unmixable? What does it really mean to “think different”?'

We picked up a copy to take home, and I've already read some of it, including the essays on Jobs & Buddhism and Jobs & Existentialism, both of which seemed like solid contributions. I already knew a lot about the 2 isms, but I garnered some new thoughts about Jobs' relation to them.

There are some very funny editorial touches. For example, the index, instead of appearing with the heading "Index", appears with the heading: "There's a page for that!"

What did the existence of Steve Jobs mean?
The man poured his soul into the machine.

Hastert in Hot Water

Hard to believe, but another Illinois politician is in legal trouble. Here's the Chicago Tribune lead:

Former U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert agreed to pay $3.5 million in apparent hush money to a longtime acquaintance, then lied to the FBI when asked about suspicious cash withdrawals from several banks, federal prosecutors alleged Thursday.

It's unclear what the hush money is about. But the Sun-Times has this tidbit from the indictment:

'...they say “Individual A” lived in Yorkville, where Hastert was a wrestling coach and high school teacher for years, and knew Hastert for “most of Individual A’s life.”'

Reading between the lines there... well, never mind. I suppose this will all come out, whatever it is.

At first Hastert was withdrawing 50 thousand bucks at a time. But after one bank questioned such a big withdrawal, he started withdrawing just under 10 thousand, in order to fly under some mandatory reporting requirements, where banks are legally bound to report large cash withdrawals to our friends, the Feds.

But purposely trying to fly under this limit is yet another crime, called "structuring"! He is charged with one count of that.

When shuffling large sums of cash,
don't assume you have the luxury
of avoiding a federal splash
by getting all structury.

From the Department of Redundancy Department

Here's a headline on an article I haven't actually read:

"Why Americans secretly love the idea of imperialist empires"

"Imperialist empires"
sounds very nice,
but like "fiery fires",
it's the same word twice.

Breach

Fabulous:

'Fraudsters stole private information from the IRS on more than 100,000 taxpayers and used it to bilk the agency of tens of millions of dollars, Commissioner John Koskinen said Tuesday — though he insisted the breach didn’t affect most Americans.'

Some people will demand
that this commissioner be canned.

But surely this cyber assault
was not entirely his fault.

So I hope he comes up with a name
of someone else to blame.

Ridge Run 2015

That's me finishing a 10k/5k combo.
Afterwards I felt like a zombie or maybe a zombo.

It's a race in my neighborhood that they've held every Memorial Day for decades, and I've been running almost every year since 1983.

In the 5k, I just barely beat a 9 year old acquaintance this year. Next year, I expect him to beat me.

The 5k is full of kids - elementary school children. They are fun to run with, but they are little jackrabbits, with the ability to start, stop, and turn on a dime. At the water stops they will suddenly cut in front of you, stop, splash themselves, and bolt off, blissfully unaware of the danger of tripping their elders - namely, people like me.

I envy them their energy
And laugh to see their joysome glee.

Orthography Gone Wild

Natural languages have an element of chaos, if you ask me:

'“Colonel” is pronounced just like “kernel.” How did this happen? From borrowing the same word from two different places. In the 1500s, English borrowed a bunch of military vocabulary from French, words like cavalerie, infanterie, citadelle, canon, and also, coronel. The French had borrowed them from the Italians, then the reigning experts in the art of war, but in doing so, had changed colonello to coronel.'

The way that we spell colonel,
can be explained by history.
English spelling is infernal,
but needn't be a mystery.

What Doesn't Kill You

Wikipedia has this translation of Nietzsche's original line:

"From life's school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger."

Today it was in the news because it showed up in an email of Hillary Clinton's:

"Well, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger (as I have rationalized for years), so just survive and you’ll have triumphed!"

The linked article describes her as quoting Kelly Clarkson's pop song version of Nietzsche's aphorism.

I'm inclined to question generalizations, and so whenever I hear this one I think that it's not always true.

Some harms may leave you weaker,
Leave your life a little bleaker.

And, I wonder if that's what she was thinking when she added that she had "rationalized", which I take to be a self-deprecating remark about her own mental practices.

In her own life, she seems to have done a lot more than "just surviving". She's rich, famous, powerful.

On the other hand, she is not universally loved. She is the steady recipient of scorn and ridicule from her many enemies. And even her friends speak delicately of her relationship to truth-telling.

Of course, truth-telling is not a typical stand-out trait of politicians or diplomats, who tend to use words pragmatically, as slippery tools to score points.

Politicians often feel
A tenuous grasp to what is real,
Especially if, to reach their goal,
They've auctioned off their youthful soul.

Try Try Again

There was a local story today about a guy who got caught when he robbed a bank for the third time. 

Sometimes persistence

Encounters resistance. 

http://www.chicagotribune.com/suburbs/barrington/crime/ct-bcr-hoffman-bank-rob-tl-0528-20150521-story.html

WIFI TMI

Here's a product I don't think I'll be ordering, but maybe YOU would like one:

"WiFi Body Scale Will Auto Tweet Your Weight Each Morning"

Keep all the world up to date,
with daily tweets about your weight!

Isn't the 21st century great?

But actually I feel this scale
is heading for a market fail.

I Asked My Wife What They Were Called

File beneath
"Bridal Wreath".

Well, soon
It will be June.

Coldblooded Vertebrate Crossing

Local traffic advisory:

"DuPage Forest District officials ask drivers to watch for turtles"

As your auto hurtles
along the roads,
watch out for turtles
and unhurried toads.

Not So Pediatric

After a hard drinking night

Grown ups go for Pedialyte. 

https://www.yahoo.com/health/pedialyte-for-hangovers-why-a-drink-for-little-119027215212.html

Company

For what I'm sure is a variety of factors, I always enjoy the society of actors.

Friday

We call it Friday when we speak

Because at the end of an average week

Many have testified

That their brains are totally fried. 

Welcoming Our LOLCat Overlords

Ana Marie Cox asks why cats rule the internet. Part of her answer:

"On the internet, where everything is suspect, cats—while sneaky—are above suspicion. The internet is virtual. Cats are real. The internet is about debate. Cats are undebatable."

Cats are undebateable? Well, there's no debating with them, that's for sure.

But I have my own answer:

Why is it that cats rule the net?
Dogs are our best buddies yet!
But felines just take better pics
And gobble up all the mouse clicks.

Who

An owl calls "who" in the midnight air
And I wonder just how to answer that call.
A name is so short. It sits, barely there.
A life is so long. How to capture it all?

Junk Bonds

Moody's has dropped Chicago bonds to junk status.

Basically, the city has unfunded pension trouble. Past politicians put off funding the generous pension plans they offered to employees. Moody's does have a solution:

'Balanced against the city’s many credit challenges are several attributes, the greatest of which is the city’s broad legal authority to tap into its large and diverse tax base for increased revenue,” Moody’s wrote.'

Of course, the trouble with raising taxes, is that you can kill off growth, lose population, and go the way of Detroit.

I hope we muddle through.
How? I haven't a clue.

Pump Question

What is it with the price of gas?
It jumps way up and down so fast.
Is this normal for a commodity?
Or is this just a product oddity?

British Polls

The Conservatives (Tories) just won a big election in the UK. The surprise was that the pollsters were predicting a close race, but it wasn't close. Strangely enough, the gamblers predicted the big win.

I think it's rather funny
that people betting money
beat the scientific polling.

I don't suppose the pollsters find this consoling.

Would You Like Some Guilt With Your Flowers?

In the Washington Post, timed to rain on your parade:

"Flowers may be nice for Mom, but they’re terrible for Mother Earth"

But Mother Earth is made of dirt
and cannot have her feelings hurt.

Hate Group List

There are reports that the "Southern Poverty Law Center" is going to add a cartoonist, who won that "draw the prophet" contest, to its hate group list.

ISIS doesn't seem to be on the list, however.

I'd say that as a source of hate,
they're really great.

Freedom of Speech

Eugene Volokh spells it out for those who were mistaught Constitutional Law:

"Hateful ideas (whatever exactly that might mean) are just as protected under the First Amendment as other ideas. One is as free to condemn Islam — or Muslims, or Jews, or blacks, or whites, or illegal aliens, or native-born citizens — as one is to condemn capitalism or Socialism or Democrats or Republicans."

I was put in mind of a famous quote of Jefferson's. It appears on the dome of his Memorial:

"I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man."

All that hostility,
sounds like hate speech to me,
but somehow it's still free.

You can't ban speech
just because you regard it as hateful,
it escapes the government's reach,
and for that we should all be grateful.

Advice to the Young

Don't let your quarter-life crisis
Lead you to join up with ISIS.

Your life may end up shorter,
And what you thought was a quarter,
May turn out to be your life entire,
Cut off abruptly by enemy fire.

Carlyle on Heroes

At book club tonight we discussed Thomas Carlyle's book on Heroes & Hero Worship & the Heroic in History, based on some lectures he gave in 1840. The book itself I found an unreliable guide to the announced topic, full of preachy fulminations in the 19th century style. I remember finding it unreadable when I was in college.

The theory of historically relativistic truth is incidentally championed. Of course in a literal sense, something can be "true then but not true now". For instance, "Virginia is a British colony" was true once, but no longer. But to say that Dante's beliefs were true once, and no longer, is a deeply problematic form of discourse, if it is to be taken seriously. 

Embracing contradiction

Brings on mental friction. 

Russ Tutterow

I was saddened to see that Russ Tutterow has died. He was the person in charge at Chicago Dramatists for a long time. Years ago I took 4 play-writing classes there, including a class he gave on the business side of play-writing, which was frank and helpful.

As with the other arts,
there's money at the top,
but few songs make the charts,
and lots of plays go flop.

End of First Weekend

Devilish Children is one quarter done. 

I'm onstage quite briefly, but it's always fun. 

Devilishly Sweet Review

Well, when you're in a play, it's always nice to see a line like this:

"4 out of 4 stars"

We opened Friday, the audience seemed to enjoy it both Friday and Saturday, and now we see that at least one critic, John Glines, liked it a lot.

"Each story, and each character, is unique and humorous, and the Devilish Children whom Little Karl encounters rhyme throughout. Each actor’s German accent was spot on, and their characters all had their own mannerisms and dispositions which really brought them to life. The sound design was especially beautiful; there was a lot of word painting going on with the music, as the music reflected the current mood of the play."

Four stars out of four!
I know it's the maximum score,
but couldn't he give us more?

(We always strive
for five.)

Devilish Children

I'm acting in a play at Dream Theatre.

We open tomorrow with The Devilish Children and the Civilizing Process. It's an adaptation of a classic 19th century German book for children, "Der Struwwelpeter", which is a collection of short rhymed stories.

This play adds a through-line, a hero's journey, for little Karl, aged 3.

Although the original stories are for children, our production runs to the graphic, and you should only bring children who won't be terrified.

These cautionary tales
were originally designed,
to scare bad children into
a civilized state of mind.

Marathon, No. Fringe, Yes.

Yesterday I got an email that opened like this:

"Thank you for entering the 2015 Bank of America Chicago Marathon lottery. We regret to inform you that your name was not selected."

I was feeling sort of unlucky.

Then tonight I got an email that opened like this:

"Dear FringeNYC Participant,

That’s right, Participant! CONGRATULATIONS! Your production of O'Brien & O'Brian has been ACCEPTED, and on behalf of The Present Company and the entire FringeNYC team, we want to welcome you to FringeNYC."

My play got into the NYC Fringe.
I feel my brain is about to unhinge.

Major League Wildness

The White Sox are playing the Orioles tomorrow, in Baltimore.

There won't be much of a crowd -
no fans are allowed.

It's some kind of safety thing because of the riots in the city of Edgar Allen Poe. Apparently it has never happened before in the history of major league baseball.

Things are out of hand
when fans are banned.

I wonder what Poe would have thought of this.

Once upon a baseball season, having lost all trace of reason,
I sneaked in to see the Orioles play as they have played before.
While I watched them, barely waking, suddenly there came a breaking,
As of someone boldly taking, hatchets to the stadium door.
"'Tis some rioters," I muttered, "breaking though the stadium door -
It's a mess, in Baltimore."

Professor Has Had It

Prof goes off on class,
says none shall pass.

"The lengthy, fiery email to students explained to students why they would all be receiving failing grades, included is Horwitz’s claim that the students were spreading untrue online rumors about his wife and that he felt threatened enough to physically teach the course that he required police protection."

Administration says no,
this isn't a go.

I'd say he sounds excitable.
At least that's not indictable.

Just the Ticket

A speeding ticket for 58 thou?
Just, wow.

He was going about 14 mph over the limit. It happened in Finland:

"Mr. Kuisla is a millionaire, and in Finland the fines for more serious speeding infractions are calculated according to income."

He says he's thinking of leaving the place.
I can see where he would, if he likes a fast pace.

Dog Whispering

When teaching "down" to a lazy pup,
you may first need to get her up.

Secrets

What if Millard Fillmore, deep inside,
secretly identified
not as a he
but a she?

Were it so, it would be
plain to see
(if you weren't too leery
of current gender theory)
that due to her inner belief,
Fillmore was our first female commander in chief.

Raisins Raising Constitutional Issues

These raisins are in the hands of the Supreme Court:

"The National Raisin Reserve — which is overseen by the Fresno-based Raisin Administrative Committee — is part of post-World War II-era program that forces raisin producers to give part of their annual crop to the government to prevent an oversupply of the dried fruit."

The National Raisin Reserve demands
raisins for free from the farmers' hands.

I think these farmers have their nerve,
defying our National Raisin Reserve.

Support the Reserve, which is trying to keep
raisins from getting way too cheap!

Formicidae

It's the season of the ants

And they do their conga dance

In my dining room and kitchen 

And I tell you I am itching

To eliminate their presence 

For I find it quite unpleasant 

When each grape in my big bunch

Has a little extra crunch

From some tiny head or thorax. 

I have got to lay down borax!

ISIS Wannabe

Worth a try, I guess:

"Lawyers for a suburban teen accused of trying to join Islamic State terrorists in Syria are making a new bid for his freedom while he awaits trial on charges they argue should be dismissed on First Amendment grounds."

He's unlikely to be let loose
if that's his best excuse.

First Responder

And now, the Uber driver as superhero. It happened on the north side of Chicago.

"Authorities say no charges will be filed against an Uber driver who shot and wounded a gunman who opened fire on a crowd of people in Logan Square over the weekend."

No charges? That's a good start.

Actually, I'm on board
for giving him an award.

Why Aren't There More Books?

As for work of actually doing the writing,
I think that very few people find it exciting.

Dallas Buyers Club

Saw Dallas Buyers Club. Fine acting job by Matthew McConaughey as the rodeo-rider turned FDA-bashing entrepreneur.

I'm deeply sympathetic to the cause of getting pharmaceuticals out from under government control.

But I felt like the story was slow, and dwelt a lot on misery, in a way that bored me at times.

Maybe it's more interesting if you didn't follow these events when they were happening.

For me this slice of history
lacked a sense of mystery.

Ay, Chihuahua!

TSA
finds stowaway:

"A sneaky Chihuahua made it all the way to LaGuardia Airport in its owner's luggage — only to have the trip spoiled by the Transportation Security Administration."

Don't let your pup
get packed up.

If you hear a tail wag,
recheck your bag.

Dosage And Diminishing Returns

The NYT has an interesting article up about the controversial question: what dose of exercise is best?

"Two new, impressively large-scale studies provide some clarity, suggesting that the ideal dose of exercise for a long life is a bit more than many of us currently believe we should get, but less than many of us might expect."

Basically, you can get a log of positive effect just by working up to something vigorous walking for about an hour each day. After that, any increased benefits plateau. You hit a point of diminishing returns.

Curiously, they didn't find a point at which a steady high dose became life-threatening. There has been some worry about that - about possible cardiac problems arising specifically in heavy-training marathoners, for example. But, at least on net, they didn't see that in their longitudinal studies.

As I always tell people, you can get a lot of the benefit of exercise without much suffering. It's not all about masochistic marathon training or grueling CrossFit routines. Those things seem to be good for you, but the big long-term benefits are low-hanging fruit, that require effort, but not all that much effort.

So, anyway, an hour a day of moderate exercise is highly beneficial.

If only some lab could make it,
into a little pill,
requiring no act of will,
then everyone would take it.

Forsythia

Flowering bush pushes the notion, that Spring may really be in motion.

Penalty Phase

Now that they've decided the Boston Marathon bomber is guilty, which wasn't much in question, they somehow have to decide whether to kill him or not.

A friend of mine suggested that they would decide not to kill him, because it was cheaper to keep him alive.

I think it's true that it's cheaper to keep him alive - mostly because of all the mandatory appeals that have been built into the death penalty system.

But I told my friend that they may see execution as worth the extra cost. I mean, how much money have we spent on this guy already? Tons.

It's clear that the criminal justice system does not operate on a simple cost/benefit ratio. And, even if it did, what is the psychological/social value of giving this guy a lethal injection? It's manifestly clear that a lot of people feel it's a good idea.

When facing a monstrous deed,
many will feel the need
to bury the beast
at the very least.

It Happened In Romeoville

Late at night, with a knife, the robber sneaked in...
but then got clobbered with a bowling pin.

I'm not making this up:

"Romeoville Police Commander John Ferdinardo said a married couple with a child were sleeping at the time, but the husband got up after hearing a noise in the house. The husband then spotted the intruder who was holding a knife and hit him on the head with a souvenir bowling pin."

If he wanted to have any chance at all,
he should have brought a bowling ball!

Opera vs. Musical

Chicago's Lyric Opera, in recent seasons, has taken to including a Broadway musical in their season. This year it's "Carousel". I was amused to see that it was reviewed by their head theater critic, rather than their classical music critic. I guess that's logical.

But I'm not sure how perfectly logical the opera/operetta/musical distinction is. I see that there are differences among them as genres. But if you step back, they look awfully similar.

You string together a story
while singing for glory.

Just a Bug

Facebook rebuts its accusers:
A bug made us track non-users!

Well, non-users in the sense of people who didn't directly visit Facebook. But apparently they visited some part of the far-flung FB empire, i.e., some web-page run by Facebook.

“It is important to note that tracking of non-users initiates even if one does not visit the Facebook homepage,” the researchers wrote. “In principle, any page belonging to the facebook.com domain will result in the placement of a long-term, identifying cookie (e.g., an event page, a shop page, fan page …).”

Beware of bugs,
they crawl under rugs,
and into your bed,
and chew on your head,
and into your brain,
to drive you insane.

Who Makes These Days Up?

Reportedly it's Sibling Day,
and without quibbling I can say
that I have eight
who are first rate.

Weather Report

Between two rains the sun comes out.

The sidewalks gently glisten. 

More water's coming - so they shout,

But I don't want to listen.

I walk in shirtsleeves in the warm,

A rather happy fella,

Not focused on the coming storm,

But armed with an umbrella. 

Reelected

Rahm Emanuel has been reelected as mayor of Chicago.

Outside of Chicago, among conservatives, Emanuel is often regarded as an arch-progressive.

But inside the city, Emanuel was regarded as the more conservative candidate. Particularly as regards fiscal matters.

In the media, the big question to ponder is: Has Emanuel been humbled? Perhaps in some sense he has been. But most of the Chicagoans that I know are less worried about the man's attitude and more worried about the city's future cash flow.

Visions of bills
coming due soon,
can give you the chills
on a warm afternoon.

Orthorexia

I've seen articles lately on a behavioral disorder called "orthorexia nervosa". The idea is that you can be too obsessed with "healthy eating", often on the basis of some inadequately researched food fad.

"All I could think about was food. But even when I became aware that my scrabbling in the dirt after raw vegetables and wild plants had become an obsession, I found it terribly difficult to free myself. I had been seduced by righteous eating."

Either I never had this, or I'm in remission.

I fear my tastes in food
are kind of rude.

I think that gluten's yummy
in my tummy.

And I've been known to spend the day
munching chips from Frito-Lay.

Will That Tower Fit In My Yard?

I imagine I'm supposed to be horrified by the ongoing re-privatization of art:

"With government subsidies to public institutions being cut back, museums in countries like Britain, the Netherlands and Germany need the income from art sales to close budget gaps, make repairs or finance expansions. That has led to fears that masterpieces will disappear from public view to adorn the living room walls of a Saudi prince or hedge-fund billionaire."

Most of this artwork is probably languishing in storage, anyway. Museums just put a fraction of their collections on the wall.

I'm hoping that I
can very soon buy
the Leaning Tower of Pisa,
and maybe the Mona Lisa.

In Need of Direction

If that was Easter, when is Wester? 

And which of the two is bester?

Mythic Visitors

Santa keeps track of who's been good.
You get lots of gifts if you do what you should.

But Bunny is glad to leave you some eggs,
regardless of whether you followed the regs.

Dog Tired

Played hard
In yard.

Now flopped on floor.
Later I'm sure
She'll want to play more.

Easter Moon

I was eating dinner when I looked out the window and saw the full moon staring at me. And I was jolted by the awareness that, oh, of course, it's Easter weekend, and we can't have Easter without having a full moon first!

First full moon of spring,
Old friend from outer space,
I am glad to see your face
And I heartily embrace
The brightness that you bring.

Hypothetical

I'm dreading
A wedding
In a pizzeria.

Whether gay
Or nay
It's a bad idea.

The Culture Wars Continue

Nick Gillespie has published a long analytical rant entitled:

"Everybody's Lost Their G*ddamn Mind Over Religious Freedom"

That asterisk is just my subtle way of trying to keep this a family blog. But I agree with his sentiment.

My favorite line:

"Which isn’t to suggest that America is the same seething pit of homophobia it was during Three’s Company thousand-year reign of terror, either."

Can't we all just get along?
Apparently not. That would be wrong!

Your Share Of Internet Billions

I heard an ad the radio the other day.

Some guy, "against the counsel of his advisers", was willing to share his secrets of how to make lots of money on the internet - telling you how to get "your share of the internet billions" - without even having to go online!

I think you could send away for his free advice. I have a hunch that his free advice might involve paying for some additional items.

But the best part, for me, was when he said you could make "up to 500 dollars a day or more". It was the "up to... or more" construction that struck me as beyond nonsensical.

TV Tropes has taken note of this sort of claim and has their own theory:

'The intent is that "up to 50% or more", instead of being interpreted as "anything", is often interpreted as "most likely 50% with possibilities of taking it to the next level", and thus the advertisers try to get consumers thinking they could save even more than that. Does this really work? It must, because advertisers (particularly low-budget ones) keep doing it.'

Is it a ceiling
or is it a floor?
I am left reeling
by "up to or more".

Party Gone Wrong

When I first saw that "2 men dressed as women" had attempted to ram the NSA gate at Fort Meade, I wondered what that was about. Was it a disguise? Were they cross-dressers? Were they transgendered in some way?

In some circles you would be required to first inquire as to how these individuals identified themselves, gender-wise. Perhaps it wasn't "2 men dressed as women". Perhaps it was 2 trans-women, dressed as women, despite being born with male bodies.

I'm sure we'll learn more, but for now there's this: "Preliminary information indicated the two men were partying at an area hotel with a third individual when they took that individual's car without permission."

The "partying" part makes me think that they just meant to "have fun", and that things went horribly wrong. One of them's dead now.

When you're on a bender,
no matter what your gender,
only intrude on a fort
as a last resort.

Age Group Bling

This is from a 5k yesterday, my first organized run of 2015.

If there are only 4 guys my age in the race,
I can sometimes take 2nd place!

The Past Is A Foreign Country...

...they do things differently there.

My wife came across this artifact from the past:



It's obviously old. There's no zip code, so it's pre-1963. You can read a bit about the company, which sold novelties in the back of comic books here.

It's mostly being passed around as a misogynist artifact now.

You can also find examples of this shoe on the other foot, like this cartoon from the New Yorker, which still seems to be on sale:


The metaphor of mate-finding as a form of hunting is an old one. This metaphor can make people nervous, for obvious reasons. And things that make people nervous... can also make them laugh.

It can be a delicate line
a matter of careful design
between outrageous gaffe
and belly laugh.

Trollway Travels

Radio Free Europe has a dismaying but intriguing interview with a guy who says he's a former professional troll - for the Russians.

'There are thousands of fake accounts on Twitter, Facebook, LiveJournal, and vKontakte, all increasingly focused on the war in Ukraine. Many emanate from Russia's most famous "troll factory," the Internet Research center, an unassuming building on St. Petersburg's Savushkina Street, which runs on a 24-hour cycle. In recent weeks, former employees have come forward to talk to RFE/RL about life inside the factory, where hundreds of people work grinding, 12-hour shifts in exchange for 40,000 rubles ($700) a month or more.'

And yes, they have full sock-puppet arguments with each other, troll-to-troll, creating the appearance of differing opinions that are nonetheless united on the basic premise, let us say, that Vladimir Putin is a great guy.

If you're going to be a troll,
Set yourself a financial goal.
Why spend lots of time
Dispensing fake slime
Unless you are on the pay roll?

Neighbor's Puppy Recaptured

I was walking from my house to the train this morning, and I was on my cellphone alerting my dad to the fact that the Tribune had a story on page 3 about me. He was asking me whether the story was scandalous or not, claiming that he didn't want to read anything shockingly bad about me.

Just about then, I spotted a loose puppy, charcoal grey, maybe a French Bulldog, crossing the street toward me, running away from a man and a little girl. It looked sort of like this:



The man shouted out a request for me to stop the puppy.

So I squatted and gestured to it, and it parked itself about a foot in front of me, and I grabbed it by the scruff of the neck. It growled at me a little, but stayed put while the man came to retrieve it.

And while doing this, I actually carried on the conversation with my dad pretty well.

And so, without messing up
I somehow managed to handle
Both a fugitive pup
And scurrilous rumors of a scandal.

Rhyming in the Trib

The Chicago Trubune ran an article about my versifying, and ironically I was so preoccupied by the article yesterday, that I didn't post to this blog!

Article is here. It's written by Gregory Pratt, photo by Chris Sweda.

It's about my rhyming addiction,
And strictly true - no fiction!

The article may be behind their paywall, but if you don't want to register you may be able to get a view by googling for the article, say by googling Chicago Tribune and my name.

First Snow of Spring

The robins are feeling surly.
They think they came back too early.

Changing Tires

Showed my daughter how to change the tire on her car today. (Her husband is out of town.) I had her do a bunch of the work, explaining precautions along the way. She said it was easier than she thought it would be. We did have the great advantage of doing it in a dry warm space - namely her building's garage.

But... how did I fail to show her this before? Now I'm wondering if my son knows how to do it.

During my lifetime, knowing how has actually become less important. Nowadays, with cell phones, you can usually just call someone.

But when your tire loses its air,
it's good to know how to put on the spare.

Clogged

New York City is forever facing some threatened apocalypse, and is forever muddling through, at least so far.

And now another rough beast slouches forth:

"Baby Wipes are destroying the New York sewer system"

They say that cute little wipes,
are wrecking the big city pipes.
They tangle into a mass,
through which nothing further can pass.

Controlling the Language to Control the Ideas

In the pages of the New Republic, a writer boldly requests that the word "taxpayer" should vanish:

'While “people” designates the broadest possible public as the subject of a political project, “taxpayer” advances a considerably narrower vision—and that's why we should eliminate it from political rhetoric and punditry.'

It's a bad word
and shouldn't be heard.

Return of the Robins

My yoga teacher said she saw a robin
Last Saturday when we were doing Tree.
Balanced on just one leg and badly wobbling,
I dared not turn my head to try to see.

Today, according to the Wonks of Weather,
Spring comes at last and I am glad to hear it.
You know the winter can't go on forever
But in Chicago I begin to fear it.

I dream that now we've hit the equinox,
The snow will fall no more, or only slightly,
That robins will return in chirpy flocks,
And daffodils will flash their trumpets brightly.

At least, I hope that's where this weather's heading.
I really think I've had enough of sledding.

Seasons and Reasons

"As trite as it sounds, mistakes are better teachers than parents. Rather than preventing our kids from experiencing failure, we instead must show them how to interpret it."

That's from my friend Debra Ross's new book, Seasons and Reasons: A Parent's Guide to Cultivating Great Kids. The Kindle version is free today as I write, in one of these promotional offer deals.

I'm about 21 percent in. Yes, as many of you know, that's the sort of fact you have available when you read in Kindle format.

It's a charming book, easy to read, reflective about being an active parent.

A life without setbacks must be
a boring ride, short on glee.

Only Outlaws Will Drive

Elon Musk, founder of Tesla, speculates that self-driving cars will turn out to be a lot safer than cars with outmoded human drivers.

"In the distant future, (legislators) may outlaw driven cars because they're too dangerous."

Will the day arrive
When we are deprived
Of the right to drive?

Will they try to steal
The steering wheel
From your automobile?

St. Paddy's Day Wishes

I hope your day was filled with cheer,
but please steer clear of all green beer.

Common Sense Censorship

When framing a certain amendment, namely the very first,

Why didn't they make an exception - for statements that make my brain burst?

I'll be the Supreme Justice, and only ban the worst. 

Really, you can trust me, few will be coerced. 

Where's Vladimir?

Putin is sort of missing -
he's off the public stage.
I'm thinking "another facelift" -
to hide advancing age.

Color Me Forgetful

Two weeks ago I lost this set of keys on the lawn in front of the vet. Distracted by my puppy, I apparently dropped them without even realizing I had done so.

I didn't find them until today, even though I had gone back several times to look for them. Why was I successful today? Because the snow was finally gone!

But what I want to mention is that I couldn't recall the color of that red and black carabiner thing. I kept thinking that it was either red or blue, but I wasn't sure which. What I've decided, over the years, is that I have a bad memory for colors, particularly if I haven't thought consciously about the color of something.

I don't really have trouble distinguishing colors. I pass color blindness tests.

But for some reason I don't understand at all,
I have trouble with color recall.

PS: Before I was seven, I saw a peeping tom out one of our apartment windows. A guy with a ladder in our back yard. I started talking to him, out the window, and he left in a hurry. The police questioned me about the color of his clothes, and I had no idea. I remember thinking what a poor witness I made.

Pi Day

The celebration may be international
But the object clearly is irrational.
I cannot understand this overreaction
Regarding the failure to compute a fraction.
I fear these mathematicians have gone mental,
Thinking mere reason can grasp what's transcendental.

The Emperor of the Moon

I saw an interesting English Restoration farce tonight, The Emperor of the Moon, by Aphra Behn, who seems to be regarded as the first important female playwright, in English anyway. Back when I was in college, no one paid her any attention, or at least I don't recall hearing of her, but in the intervening years she has risen to some prominence.

I wasn't crazy about the production, but perhaps they did the best with what they had, and it did give me a chance to see the play "up on its feet". The central character is a gullible astronomer, led astray by his belief that there are inhabitants on the moon. He is taught a lesson by suitors of his daughter and niece, who pretend to be royalty from the moon in order to win the young women's hands. It certainly had its laugh-out-loud moments, which, after 300 years, is pretty good.

The moon has much magic to give,
but lacks a good place to live.

Rarely to Return

A local political gossip columnist has the scoop - the Obamas aren't coming back to Chicago. Her story is based on inside sources.

“I don’t think the emotional tie to Chicago is what it once was. Perhaps not sophisticated enough.”

I'm not sure the emotional tie to Chicago was ever all that strong. The moment he got in the White House, they were gone. They didn't come back here to vacation. They went to Hawaii for that. I've been predicting for a while that they wouldn't move back here. They seem to like the world of glamor and A-list celebrities, and that's not our specialty.

He's not really "from" here anyway. I know a lot of conservatives have labored to label him as a Chicago-way Machine Politician, but that's never really what he was. He dealt with those people, but he wasn't exactly one of them.

When you're enamored
of world-class glamor
Chicago must seem like a smack with a hammer.

Rehearsal Two

Coming soon: The Devilish Children, by Jeremy Menekseoglu, presented at Dream Theatre.

I have a part to play.

"Set in a children's school for manners in a dark corner of a German fable, THE DEVILISH CHILDREN (AND THE CIVILIZING PROCESS) teaches Little Karl (age 3) all the lessons a young boy needs to know to grow up to be a fine gentleman. Perhaps Little Karl is truly learning instead, to become a teuflische kind."

Devilish Children, confab number two,
Occurs tonight. The goal: a shared construction
Of what this world is. Both cast and crew
Will ponder visions conjured by deduction,
From studying our roles within the script.
Having a part lends focus to the mind;
You notice things that might indeed have slipped
Right by you, unless you're the one assigned
To speak the words or take an action, then
You stand in those imaginary shoes,
And mull what it might mean exactly when
Time rolls around and you must choose or lose.
By steps we prep an overarching frame.
Children at play have always done the same.

DST

I'm glad we're saving daylight. Where's the bank?
I'd like to see the vault with all the rays
That we've collected, and I'd like to thank
The guards for making sure the sunlight stays
Exactly where we put it, stored with love,
In jars of gold that hide an inner glow.
Light falls upon us from the sun above,
We lock it tight in safety vaults below.
Or is this all a sham? How do we save
By fiddling with the hours on our clocks?
Did April Fools come early? And who gave
Orders to "spring" BEFORE the equinox?
The radio alarm is sounding early,
And I go stumbling forth all hurly-burly.

Groggy

Heading into work,

lost a library book on the way. 

Inventor of daylight savings is the jerk,

who made me dumber today.

Bad Call

"MARCH 6--An Ohio man called 911 to report that his wife had stolen his cocaine, according to cops who subsequently arrested him on drug and other charges."

Be an intelligent bloke,
and don't buzz the fuzz
when your wife steals your coke!

Five Finger Discount-Taker

When shoplifting is your habit,

You don't just buy stuff, you grab it. 

Safari Park

A drive in a Safari Park is sure to give a view
Of lions just outside your car, that look right back at you.
Cats have a gift for opening all sorts of things, I hear,
So maybe lock your auto doors before you get too near,
Or you may find that when the felines send out for dessert,
That you are on the menu for a world full of hurt.

When 117 Years Seems Short

On her birthday: "World's oldest person says 117 years seems short"

The world's oldest living human being
Declared that life had gone by rather quickly.
When she looks back, is it a blur she's seeing?
Would it seem slower if she had been sickly?

Compared to other animals, our span
Of days runs fairly long. It's not the shortest,
Although it's true our days are briefer than
The days belonging to the giant tortoise.

I reason that if we could banish aging,
Sooner or later we'd die of other causes,
Meteors, earthquakes, wildfires raging,
At last would blast us to our final pauses.

Find what's worthwhile for you, and do not worry
Too much that it will go by in a hurry.

Rules About Email

Rules about email are a deadly bore,

They tell you that you need to keep a trail

Of everything you send, but, hey, what for?

Sometimes you'd rather that the backups fail!

Sometimes you slip and put something in writing 

That some outsider might misunderstand,

Reporters claim they've got dirt that's exciting,

They say the smoking gun is in your hand!

Privacy is a normal human need. 

Who wants to feel strange eyes over your shoulder?

No wonder politicians often plead

That off-the-record statements can be bolder. 

But citizens are nosy and insist

On checking your entire mailing list!

Clintonemail.com

I am stunned:

"The New York Times reports that Hillary Clinton used only her personal email address while serving as Secretary of State."

This seems to be against the rules, but quite premeditated.

However this comment at Gizmodo seems right:

"Even more interesting will be hearing the explanation. Surely there is one."

I'm not saying we will hear the true and complete explanation. But surely her team has one ready!

Perhaps the rules don't apply
when you are sufficiently high.

Some Sonnets Do Not Use The Letter X

Some sonnets do not use the letter X.  

No maps are mentioned where "X marks the spot."

No films are featured with "X-rated sex."

An "ex who lives in Texas"? I think not!

X flashes the allure of the unknown,

The algebraic problem to be solved. 

Poor Y may get an axis of its own,

But not the fame, though equally involved. 

X penetrates mere visual appearance,

Its rays reveal the bone beneath the skin,

To verify your skeletal coherence,

Or check your teeth for cavities within. 

One final fact which made my mind perplex:

Its shape is all concave and no convex.