Dryer Innocent

The dryer made my clothing shrink.
That was what I used to think.
But to my surprise I found
It was my fridge that made me round.

Fascinating Question

Does “fascinate”
Rhyme with “fasten eight”?
Asking for a friend
Whose questions never end.

Interlaced

There is a sort of rhyme
Where the endings interlace.
It’s not an easy game
But it adds a certain spice.

Slate

We speak about “the slate”,
And when to wipe it clean.
But real ones, as of late,
Are seldom to be seen.
So rarely does one catch
That sound we love to hate,
When fingernails go scratch
Upon a board of slate.

A Friend Asked

A friend asked whether
I ever composed haiku.
Yes, sometimes I do.

To catch the fleeting
Moment is the endeavor -
In spare simple song.

Some say it’s cheating,
To sprinkle rhymes in the text
Where they don’t belong.

If purists are vexed
Does it mean I should worry?
Not in a hurry.

It Hides

It hides its hue from out your view,
Beneath the ground it’s grown.
A carrot doesn’t care at all
To make its orangeness known.

Infants

Infants keep parents up at night
With all too frequent appetite.

Recreational

Recreational linguistics
Is legal in Illinois.
No punishments for punning -
So feel free to enjoy.
But there’s a catch, of course:
It still is grounds for divorce.

Fear And Trembling

Why must the dominant narrative
Offered by every side
Always be so scarative?
My nervous system gets fried.

Freedom of Speech

Freedom of speech
Batters illusions,
But helps people reach
Better conclusions.

Beaty Again

Beauty is the priceless gift
That nature strews about.
You’re walking home, you’re feeling miffed,
Your heart is plunged in doubt,
But there’s a sunset straight ahead
That makes you stop and stare.
Where there was dread, you feel instead
The glory in the air.

Autopilot

Autopilot is good,
But this is worth a mention:
Someone upfront should
Still be paying attention.

Beauty

Whatever Beauty may be,
We recognize it easily,
But struggle to say
What makes it that way.

3.14

Circumference divided by
Diameter will give you pi.

Just So

According to my theories,
Which are very rarely wrong,
Hushing crying babies
Is why we invented song.

Academic Corruption

If anyone bribed Admissions
To get me into college,
I’m not admitting nothing -
It was done without my knowledge!

AI

Artificial Intelligence
Is right around the corner.
For fifty years that’s where it’s been.
I just wanted to warn ya.

Spring Forward

I look forward to Spring
But not to Spring Forward.
Because the next morning
I always feel horrid.

Armed Bears

Never write laws
Telling bears that their claws
Should be sheathed
So that we
Never bleed.
It’s pointless because
They can’t read.
Guaranteed.

Comics Page Synchronicity

Today in the Chicago Tribune funny pages, there were 2 strips involving pizza consumption AND 2 others involving donut consumption.

The jokes were unrelated. I think it means these are funny foods. Maybe they make us uneasy because we think they’re junk but we love them?

Of course we can also be amused
By food that is “healthy” but frequently refused.
For instance, people speak of broccoli
Very mockily.

You Are Getting Sleepy

CNBC had a credulous story about a hypnotist who will help you remember your crypto-currency password - for just half a bitcoin. That's about 1900 dollars at the moment.

When your password is lost
And you can’t face the cost
You might take a chance
On hypnotic trance.

The Hawk

Here in the winter
When people talk
About our fast wind
They call it the hawk.

It swoops right in
Where your flesh is bare
And rips at your skin
With cold, cold air.

Zzz

I just read the umpteenth article purporting to present scientific certainty that you can't "catch up on sleep" by sleeping longer on the weekend.

I know this is fake news.
Because my weekend snooze
Is sufficiently long and deep
To make up plenty of sleep.

Next Gen

If you happen to love children,
Grandchildren are kind of meta:
Recursively fulfilling.
Really, what could be betta?