HNY

Another run
around the sun
tonight is done.

We've reckoned it
to the second,
so great is our pleasure
in measurement.

Restarting the Calendar

The Wall St. Journal had a nice article today on alternate calendar schemes.

The chief advantage of these schemes is that a given date always falls on the same day of the week.

The Symmetry 454 calendar achieves this at the cost of having leap years be a whole week longer than a normal year.

The World Calendar achieves this at the cost of having "intercalary days" - 1 or 2 days per year that don't have a weekday name.

As I was reading the article, I was thinking about having to change computer programs en masse.

The "Y2K" reprogramming was "child's play" compared with what is needed for a world-wide calendar switch, admits Dr. Bromberg.

That quote practically writes itself into a rhyme:

Y2K
was child's play
compared to this switch
which would be a real...
high speed drive into a ditch.

My favorite oddball calendar is also mentioned - the International Fixed Calendar, with 13 months of 4 weeks each, plus 1 or 2 of those "intercalary" days.

Of course, switching to a 13 month year would eliminate financial quarters, would play havoc with associating months with the seasons, and would generally cause even more chaotic reprogramming of computers and human brains.

And some mention should be made, finally, of the French Republican Calendar, which was the law in France for a while. It featured 30-day months and 10-day weeks.

They loved the number ten,
they used it again and again,
they even, to my shock,
pushed a 10-hour clock.

Blooms Versus Booms

The would-be crotch bomber reportedly had some big brains behind him - big brains who had done time in Gitmo, but who had been released during the Bush Administration.

American officials agreed to send the two terrorists from Guantanamo to Saudi Arabia, where they entered into an "art therapy rehabilitation program" and were set free, according to U.S. and Saudi officials.

Here's more on the art therapy approach:

The calligraphy and depictions of sunrises and flowers do not really reflect the darker emotions confronted in treatment and are images Western therapists might not expect to see. In fact, some might define the content of their artwork as being "in denial" of the crimes committed.

If you were an art therapist
in charge of curing a terrorist,
how would you proceed?

"Paint a pretty design,
and I'll be sure to sign
the form so you'll be freed."

Offended

Anna North has 4 reasons to quit being "offended".

To quote her headings:

It's overused.

It devalues actual, justified rage.

It encourages self-congratulatory offensiveness.

And, finally: we already have better words.

Whatever this writer intended,
I, for one, am deeply offended.

Elephorse: The Legend

One of my fabulous Christmas presents was this horse, which came with its own removable elephant costume, put together by Anna Weiler. She also explained the legend behind the creation, which I put in verse below.


There were no elephants at the zoo.
The children cried - so what to do?

Quickly a friendly horse was recruited,
and in short order he was re-suited.

Masquerading in trunk and ears,
he clowned away the children's tears.

What Worked

"The system worked."

That's usually good to hear.
But after a mega-failure, it tends to inspire fear.

That's a quote from Janet Napolitano, head of Homeland Security, and she's talking about the botched attempt to explode a Detroit-bound jet.

People on that plane are lucky the bomb didn't work.

And they were lucky to have Jasper Schuringa seated near the bomber. Schuringa jumped on the bomber, took the burning IED away, put the fire out with his own hands, put a choke hold on the bomber, and dragged him out of his seat.

"I don't feel like a hero. It was something that came completely natural... it was something where I had to do something or it was too late."

That's the part of the system that worked -
the part where Schuringa went berserk.

Mars, Venus, Goodbye

New book:

Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid -
the latest attempt to help poor Cupid!

It's by a couple who are also comedy writers.

Sometimes humor does more good
than years of counseling ever could.

Moving Beyond Mars And Venus

The latest book to try to help along Cupid:
Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid.

It's a comic effort, written by a couple comedy writers who are also boyfriend and girlfriend.

The title isn't literally true, of course, and it propagates dangerous stereotypes... Oops, I fell asleep just saying that.

Misunderstanding between the sexes
is one of those things that endlessly vexes
male and female alike.

And this book does look funnier than a volume on evolutionary psych.

Gift of the Magi

Our family's joke phrase of the past 2 days is: "You ruined Christmas!"

I've been thinking about O. Henry's short story, The Gift of the Magi. It's about a young couple. They both sell their most prized possession - in order to buy something to accessorize the other person's prize possession.

They're both left with accessories only.
On the bright side, at least they're not lonely.

Somehow, it doesn't ruin their Christmas. But they realize they have not been wise.

Be wary of the price
of spectacular sacrifice.

Christmas Duck

Donald Duck may not be a big part of your holiday celebrations. But in Sweden, this is his time to shine:

Every year on Dec. 24 at 3 p.m., half of Sweden sits down in front of the television for a family viewing of the 1958 Walt Disney Presents Christmas special, "From All of Us to All of You." Or as it is known in Sverige, Kalle Anka och hans vänner önskar God Jul: "Donald Duck and his friends wish you a Merry Christmas."

At first, the viewers came back
of their own volition
to watch that duck go quack.

But now it's a tradition!

Wild Doings

The Chicago Tribune has the story:

A guy gets kidnapped by a car full of armed young people.

They drive him to an ATM. One takes the guy's ATM card and demands his PIN.

They pulled into an alley. As they bumped along the snowy path, the woman told the driver to toss her the gun because she didn't want police to see it, he said.

"All of a sudden, by the grace of God, between these two fools, I hear 'boom,' and then I hear her hollering and screaming, 'I shot my finger off, I shot it off.' The driver starts panicking and he goes right into a Dumpster," the victim said. "That's when I knew it was my moment."

In the confusion, the victim got hold of the gun, got out of the car, and started running away - down the alley. The woman ran after him.

"I don't know if she's going to kill me or not, so I fire a warning shot," the man said. "Unfortunately, it hit her. I never fired a gun in my life."

She's dead from his "warning shot."

Don't ask anyone
to toss you a loaded gun.

And remember, you may be harmed
when you chase a guy who's armed.

Waiting for Gitmo

They were coming to Illinois but there's been a delay -
the president can't get the money to move the prisoners away
from Guantánamo Bay.

As a result, officials now believe that they are unlikely to close the prison at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, and transfer its population of terrorism suspects until 2011 at the earliest...

I was so looking forward to Gitmo coming to my home state.
Too bad it's gonna be late!

I figured it would be a tourist attraction.
Seeing where they were all locked up would give folks satisfaction.

Nude with Violin

I've been reading Nude with Violin, a play by Noel Coward. It put me in mind of Art, a play by Yasmina Reza. Both plays ask whether modern art might be a fraud.

Reza's play is about a guy who buys a big all-white painting, and then shows it to his 2 buddies.

They in turn question their relationship with a man willing to spend such a large amount of money on something that they find hard pressed to consider 'art.'

Coward's play is about a critically acclaimed painter who has signed his works, but who has not painted his works. Rather, he has secretly had 4 untrained people paint for him, each responsible for one of his "periods".

Reza is content to raise the question, but Coward seems to have a definite suggestion in mind. His main character argues sardonically against exposing the fraud. In his final monologue he warns that a skeptical domino effect might ensue:

Modern sculpture, music, drama and poetry will all shrivel in the holocaust. Think what will happen to those tens of thousands of industrious people who today are making a comfortable livelihood by writing without grammar, composing without harmony and painting without form. These poor miserable wretches will be either flung into abject poverty or forced really to learn their jobs.

This isn't Coward the dandy,
writing of escapades randy.

This is Coward the curmudgeon,
swinging an angry bludgeon.

The Nebraska Compromise Reconsidered

Federalism raises its sleepy head:

The top prosecutors in seven states are probing the constitutionality of a political deal that cut a funding break for Nebraska in order to pass a federal health care reform bill, South Carolina's attorney general said Tuesday.

The states investigate a congressional deal? What nerve. On the other hand, the deal is unique:

"The Nebraska compromise, which permanently exempts Nebraska from paying Medicaid costs that Texas and all other 49 states must pay, may violate the United States Constitution — as well as other provisions of federal law," Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott said.

Nebraska's senator was plucky -
held out for the very best deal.

His state sure is lucky.
How rude of the others to squeal!

Cash for Congress

One small chunk of the economy is booming - the lobbying biz!

Washington’s influence industry is on track to shatter last year’s record $3.3 billion spent to lobby Congress and the rest of the federal government...

The expansion of government control - and we've been seeing a lot of that - is a platinum mine for lobbyists.

When everything's up in the air,
and the Congress is on the prowl,
interfering in business affairs -
then businessmen do not howl,
or sit around and moan,
or distract themselves with a hobby,
instead they pick up the phone
and pay people cash to lobby!

Lightbulb Day

Debra Ross explains:

I saw the name "Lightbulb Day" somewhere on the internet as a way someone had devised of celebrating the holidays without religion, and I adopted and made it our own. (After all, isn't that the way most inventions evolve?) On December 21, the "darkest evening of the year," the day when we symbolically most need technology, our two families celebrated human ingenuity, creativity, reason, and invention.

The day's name put me in mind of Thomas Edison, who invented the first practically usable lightbulb, and who said:

Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Even Edison couldn't simply say "let there be light."
He had to work and sweat to make it right.

The Frown Of Thought

Aristotle thought everyone had happiness as a goal. But is it bad for your cognition to actually arrive at the goal?

The University of New South Wales researcher says a grumpy person can cope with more demanding situations than a happy one because of the way the brain "promotes information processing strategies".

However, the researcher does concede that happiness is better for creativity.

Maybe the ideal thing
is to let your mood swing.

Levamisole Goes Better With Coke

Disturbing news, at least for some:

Cocaine's a hell of a drug, and even more so when laced with another drug that's commonly used to deworm opossums. Federal agents have found that 69 percent of cocaine shipments seized entering the United States contain levamisole, a veterinary drug linked to serious weakening of the immune system in humans. Here's the real funny part: no one knows why.

Deworming possums? Around here they're considered a nuisance, and a wild animal, and I don't think you can keep them as pets in Illinois. So who is catching them to deworm them?

The "weakening of the immune system in humans" doesn't sound so good.

Your immune system goes from a roar to a sigh,
but you sure get high,
and your worms go bye-bye.

Nonbelievers Horning In

Garrison Keillor is unhappy with Christmas songs written by Jewish guys:

And all those lousy holiday songs by Jewish guys that trash up the malls every year, Rudolph and the chestnuts and the rest of that dreck. Did one of our guys write ‘Grab your loafers, come along if you wanna, and we’ll blow that shofar for Rosh Hashanah’? No, we didn’t. Christmas is a Christian holiday—if you’re not in the club, then buzz off.

He's specifically attacks the Rudolph song and the Chestnuts song, which were indeed written by Jewish guys.

As a matter of fact, the Jewish guy who wrote the Rudolph song also wrote "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day", "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", and "A Holly Jolly Christmas".

Keillor didn't get around to complaining about "White Christmas" by Irving Berlin, another Jewish guy.

He didn't complain about all the Jewish singers, like Barbra Streisand, who release Christmas albums that include Gounod's "Ave Maria".

He didn't even note that Jews must have been the main celebrants at the actual birth of Jesus.

I don't believe, but I like these tunes,
including Streisand's Hail Mary.
Keillor can be a hot air balloon,
but I find his drift slightly scary.

Pregnancy Leave Behind Bars

An army general is banning pregnancy in Iraq.

Anyone who becomes pregnant or impregnates another servicemember, including married couples assigned to the same unit, could face a court-martial and jail time, according to an order issued by Maj. Gen. Anthony Cucolo.

I can see that pregnant soldiers may be less effective soldiers. But contraception, while highly effective, is not 100% effective.

Who conceived of this ban?
Will babies be born in jail?

Is it a well laid plan
or more of an epic fail?