Lost and Found

When UPS loses a package of mine 

I never suspect an evil design, 

I simply assume that the darn thing got stuck 

In a crack in the back of that big old brown truck.

Emergent Properties

I ask myself, do I like pancakes, 

Or maple syrup and butter? 

Or is it the combination 

That’s simply utterly utter?

Piece of Silver

I’ve retrieved a bit of silver 

From a failing filling; 

It’s really just a sliver, 

Do you think it’s worth a shilling? 

I don’t know what that is, 

Except it’s British money, 

And somehow or other the sound of it 

Always struck me as funny.

Bayesians

Bayesians like to change their beliefs. 

It’s one of their fondest desires. 

New facts make them itch, and the only relief 

Is reexamining priors.

Contrast

You cannot see the Milky Way 

During the day. 

Darkness allows light that is faint 

To paint the sky.

Unbelievable

If your hard drive has stuff 

That would make heads pop, 

Don't abandon the thing 

At some random shop.

Hadron Collider Contacts Parallel Universe

The headline is too clickbaity to click, but I love it: 

Researchers At Large Hadron Collider Are Confident To Make Contact With Parallel Universe In Days

The people from the parallel 

May perhaps be able to tell 

How poor Columbus ran aground 

Which meant the new world never got found. 

 And don't tell me that the new world would have been found by someone else. Nope. It turns out that Western Civilization collapsed again in about 1530, all because they failed to get to America.

Nominate Me

It may be true I didn’t go to law school, 

Or “pass the bar”, whatever that may mean, 

But I have spent some time upon a barstool, 

And studied Law & Order on the screen, 

And I believe I’d like to be a justice - 

I’ll just face down those senators’ long faces, 

And say: “Why do you find it hard to trust us? 

I’ll know the answers when I've heard the cases!”

Mildly Disappointed

I'd like to be told that I already had
This thing that is spreading, this bug that is bad.
I'd like to believe that it did once infect me,
And somehow or other did not much affect me.
But do I have antibodies to show?
You've already guessed it - my tests all say NO!

Round

They say at King Arthur's Table,
The roundest of the round,
Was a certain Knight who was able
To really pack on the pounds.
I mean the great Sir Cumference,
Who loved to gobble Pi.
His belt more than tripled his radius,
And Pi was the reason why.

Experimental

Can someone on the internet send
A sample of the Chinese vaccine?
I’m just asking for a friend,
If you know what I mean.

Dominance

 I say that I’m right handed

But if we’re being candid 

I’m told that it’s the brain

That’s driving the hand-preference train. 

Donation

Gave blood. 

Did not fall with a thud. 

I hope that someone else gains 

From this stuff that ran through my veins.

Plagiarism!

I wrote a little play involving Iago and Othello in the afterlife. At the gates of hell, actually. And I wrote it in verse. So someone asked me if I had worked in any lines by Shakespeare. I didn't think I had, but I had written it a while ago, in a hurry. So I thought I would feed the play through some online plagiarism-detection software. And it found something. But not from Shakespeare. It found this:

"It’s a lesson that I learned the hard way."

I thought to myself, that's practically a cliche, anyway. How can that be plagiarized? But it turned out they only had an 80% match. They had:

"Lessons I learned the hard way readings: Some modest advice for graduate students"

This plagiarism detective
Seems to be defective. 

In a Hole

When you’ve dug yourself in a hole, 

Consider halting the dig. 

Unless you are a mole, 

In which case, it’s your whole gig!

Inadequate Surveillance

I'm registered to vote. 

I got my shot for the flu. 

But ads online keep telling me 

That these are things I should do. 

They need to do a better job 

Of keeping track of my actions. 

Pointless redundant reminders hurt 

Customer satisfaction.

Recovering

Post-race, my mitochondria 

Seem to feel apathetic. 

Might they have hypochondria? 

Beware of endeavors athletic!

Chemical Evidence of Life on Venus

The Russians sent probes a couple of times 

Which probably carried bacterial slimes.

Now they’ve gotten planet-sized 

And simply need to be sanitized!

Mother of Invention

When human language 

Was first invented, 

Did the inventor 

Feel contented? 

No - it made her 

Kind of blue: 

She had no one 

To speak it to! 

So she taught it 

To a friend 

And this continued 

Without end.

A Theory of Something

I'm told time crawls 

When reading Rawls. 

You find your alertness failing 

Into a sleepy veiling.