Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Finding a Penny

Today I found a penny. I picked it up and thought of my middle child, Noelle, who is gone. I have a game I play with myself, or perhaps it is a delusion. When I find coins on the ground, I think of her, or, more exactly, I recall to mind my love for her, and hers for me.

The game, or delusion, started years ago, the summer after she left. I was running a long distance in the heat. I was dehydrated and overheated, my judgment clouded. I started finding change on the ground as I ran, perhaps because, shuffling along dazedly, my eyes were on the ground. To make matters odd, I had the illusion that she had left the change there for me. I guess you could think of it as pennies from heaven, even though I didn't actually believe in heaven. I decided there was no harm in playing along with the feeling - the feeling of her presence. In life, she loved finding money, and I think of that acquisitive, treasuring joy she had. I think of her love for life.

On Thursday it will be 12 years that she is gone. I miss her terribly, and wish I could have seen her grow up more. Watching a child grow is a deep, deep pleasure and joy.

Shiny penny, on the ground,
Shiny penny, newly found,
In my hand I hold you tight,
In my heart I feel your light.


San said...

I feel sorry for you...

Really well written post...

JohnJEnright said...

Thank you.